So I saw this meme on social media today….
…and I jut laughed. Nope. Nopity nope nope nope. Because a a little while ago, I unabashedly gave up. And I thought I’d share the experience with you.
Look, I’m a pretty positive person. It’s the reason I started this site. I firmly believe in a positive, solution-oriented approach to handling your chronic illness. I believe in remembering the many things for which I am thankful, looking at everything through a humorous lens, concentrating on things I can do to help myself and others, and distracting myself with more pleasant things like puppies and Parks and Recreation.
But a little while ago none of those things were helping me. I was exhausted. Not just exhausted like so many spoonies are exhausted…
We need a new word for spoonie related fatigue. A separate word to classify it as different than just being tired. I propose blerfgamabzfgda
— Leah | Spoon Shares (@spoonshares) February 6, 2015
…but I was mentally exhausted. I was tired of pretending I felt better than I do. I was tired of ignoring the nausea, muscle weakness, bloating, lightheadedness, brain fog, and pain that is now a part of my everyday life. I found I could no longer push away the thoughts of regret and sadness for the life I used to live that was now gone from me. It was like all the tolerance and thick skin I had developed over the past few years had just cracked and broken off of me. I was done fighting. I just wanted to lay in bed and stare blankly at a YouTube video that I wasn’t really watching. I didn’t even want to cry…that was too much energy. I just didn’t want to fight anymore. So I just let everything overcome me and became a lump of nothing.
And you know what? It sucked. SUCKED. The pain I feel every day was nothing compared to the pain I felt that day that I just let go of everything and let myself fall into that scary pit of despair.
As a person who likes to downplay and joke her way through her illness, I get a lot of the following:
“You’re so strong. I could never handle things the way you do!”
“You’re such a trooper. It’s so inspiring.”
“People complain when they can’t find a parking space, I can’t believe you stay so positive.”
Let’s be clear. I still complain when I can’t find a parking space.
But if I complained every day about my chronic illness and the grief and pain it’s caused me? I’d drown.
The Day I Gave Up™ was an awful day for me. As emotionally and mentally exhausting as it can be to keep fighting through this mess of an illness, it’s nothing compared to the pain I feel when I completely surrender.
So I don’t keep smiling to be an “inspiration.” And I will freely admit that it is really hard to keep fighting that overwhelming tidal wave that is chronic illness. But the secret that nobody says out loud? I am not stronger than anybody else. I fight the tidal wave because swimming with tired arms is better than being washed away with the storm. That’s just a natural human instinct. I don’t laugh about how my esophageal manometry was basically nose r*pe because it’s good for other people, or because I’m made of sparkly sick-people-dust that increases my tolerances for absurd situations. It’s just how I’ve adapted to my new life. And as much as it makes me want to scream and throw things (and I do…an apology to all my shoes), if I completely surrendered to the gloom and doom, it would all just suck 1000% more.
So, yeah. Sorry, inspirational internet meme. I did give up. If only for a day. But hell, you gotta hit rock bottom every once in a while just to know why you keep white knuckling the crevices.
About the Author:
Leah is a 24 year old suburb-of-Philly native. She has gastroparesis, dysautonomia, a feeding tube, and a battery operated stomach. She is the proprietor of this site, as well as the sassy Disney blog The Magical World Of, and a contributor to the new podcast Media Matters.